3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit