me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect