(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
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Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
So true for me
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.