*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”