Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?