My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.