In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
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Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
called in thicc to work this morning
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah