Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Has science gone too far?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.