If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel