I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv