I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
You Might Also Like
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
How to properly lift a body
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.