Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today