If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The biggest mystery of our time
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!