Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.