Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.