2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
ok this is my dumbest yet
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.