[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.