Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*3.5 thank you very much.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.