when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?