*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Huge, if true.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Batman v Dracula
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.