Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Taliband
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”