A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.