people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?