Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
This checks out
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.