Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You Might Also Like
Print is alive and well!!!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
This is enough internet for the day.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact