My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Welcome to the stomach
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?