[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old