DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
the answer was staring at me all along
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what