Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The 6 types of sex
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes