I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
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When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Sheer Arrogance”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?