Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
LA today:
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
barbara was highly relatable
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.