The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”