one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
You Might Also Like
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show