The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly