Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You Might Also Like
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.