I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Nice try Hitler
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭