[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots