“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb