If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer