We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I love you to the refrigerator and back