Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
mood
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.