Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.