A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.