Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.