What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Donkey Kong sommelier
The fall of Netflix
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin