No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*