I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
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Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Still my favourite meme.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My Sentiments Exactly
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.