My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.