This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…