scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
You Might Also Like
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Oh no
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it